Ever thought about how Love (or having a crush) is like having an addiction to a person? Well, it is and you can benefit from knowing this. Ever gotten to know someone slowly and realised after a while that even though they seemed almost-perfect (kind, outgoing, cute, smart, introspective, and understanding) you still didn’t have any feelings for them? No? Just me? OK, but it can happen to you! Read on.
Disclaimer: I’m not a psychiatrist, nor am I a doctor or have any medical background or really any authority to talk about any of this. I’m a programmer and I didn’t even finish my masters. I might be autistic but haven’t been diagnosed (assessment soon!) so for now I’m just a Weird Nerd who writes about complexity aaaaaand let’s move on to the interesting stuff.
Why does this matter?
The information age (internet) has multiplied the possible people/personalities/characters that we are exposed to waaaay above the norm and a common feeling is that might be making us more judgmental and more picky in our partners. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I love perfection as much as the next person and knowing what’s out there helps you narrow down the ideal human being you want to spend your life with. Having seen so many, and perhaps knowing that 8+ billion people are out there, you are sure that actually yes you can and should wait for the perfect one. I’m not here to tell you that you’re wrong, but that you have more choice than you think.
Isn’t gaslighting bad?
Yes it is, at least when you do it to other people. It’s not a very well defined but in general gaslighting someone else means convincing them of something that isn’t true, using a position of trust and authority to undermine their own memories/experiences and replace them with another incorrect understanding. It’s used to hide abuse and is generally an evil thing to do to someone. However, this process of replacing your understanding of the world can be used for more things. In some cases, even if we genuinely believe that say, the world is a cruel and unloving place, it can be nice to convince yourself otherwise. One of the best and actually very sane ways is to be genuinely self-critical. You’re not always right. There are some reasons to be hopeful about the world. It’s possible these positive things may outweigh the negatives. Have you seen everything, met everyone? Can you say with certainty how your story or the story of the world will end?
What you’re doing here is replacing a possibly incorrect view of the world with another possibly incorrect one. You’re doing this because the search for truth is a futile one because given the choice of being sad and maybe right and being happy and ever so slightly more wrong, you should choose the latter.
Love is an Addiction
It’s all just chemicals right? Your mind is a casino and you want to keep that spiral going until you’re convinced you love them. This is risky. You must not come up with an image of a person that is detached from reality and pursue that. At best you will build resentment as they fail to meet that image and at worst you will be chasing someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you. Instead, you need to focus on the flaws you can see and even some you may not, and convince yourself that they’re worth it. That the good things still outweigh the bad. Then you can imagine your life together, invent scenarios and scenes that feel good and so the spiral will begin as your brain pumps you full of those nice chemicals. Again, this is risky. You must not convince yourself that truly bad traits outweigh some modest good ones, or you will end up attached to an abusive or problematic relationship. Sometimes you’ll see a better version of them and believe “I can fix him/her/them”. This is not a terrible idea but it’s hard and often doesn’t work.
Gosh this sounds really dangerous. Addictions often are.
I’m not saying that thinking is bad. Like everything else, it’s useful in moderation. A good servant, but a bad master. – Alan Watts
Why risk it? I think some people have a hard time finding attachment but perhaps want to, and this is advice for them. If you do it consciously, making a point of understanding why you’re doing it and how, you’re much less likely to go wrong. Most people do it automatically and I think that’s where the most risk comes from. Instead, you can still think rationally and objectively about a person and then decide what bits to toy with and change your understanding of. On the other hand if you’re struggling to find people who feel the same way about you, introspection and subsequent self-improvement is as much a service to yourself as any future friend or partner.
You can gaslight yourself into loving someone. And if you’re ever feeling down, note that this still works even if that “someone” is you.